Retirement coming at wAARP speed!
The wrinkled hand of age is reaching out for me, and I can\’t escape its feeble grasp.
I got mail the other day from the AARP – one of the largest lobbying groups in the country, with over 35 million members. In the envelope was my ticket to the future: a temporary membership card. And it didn\’t cost me thing (although, for a mere $12.50 a year, I could make it permanent).
I\’m a member of the American Association of Retired People. That is, like, sooo cool.
Except it\’s temporary. It\’s like winning the temporary lottery: you never have to work again! Until next week.
So now I\’m retired, sort of. I can go to restaurants and hotels and ask for the discounts given to AARP members, but I still have to go to work during the day.
My only option is to adopt a double life; during the day I\’ll be 22, a recent entrant into the world\’s workforce, eager to move up in the world and make a name for myself. After 5 p.m., I\’ll don a fishing hat, hop in my RV, and tour the country collecting official state spoons.
Oh, I\’m over-generalizing, am I? Making false assumptions about retired people? Well, their ridicule is deserved; that\’s what they get for mass mailing membership invitations that are 30 years premature.
Now, what will happen when I pull my camper up at the Roseville Days Inn and ask for the senior discount rate? I hope they\’ll grant me the 15% discount that is required for spoon-collecting members of my venerable organization. Perhaps the young desk-clerk will be paralyzed with envy when he sees my card.
Or maybe he\’ll say, \”Are you kidding? You\’re not old. Are you even 18?\”
And I will say, \”Now listen, sonny, I was bringing hookers to this hotel when you were just a twinkle in your mother\’s eye. Come to think of it, did I know your mother? You look awfully familiar.\”
But I\’ll probably be in the clutches on a stout, cylindrical security guard by then, my nose nuzzled in his moist armpit.
Isn\’t that always how it is? No one respects the elderly. It\’s shameful.
Seriously, though, what\’s going on here? Why does the AARP think I\’m of retiring age? Are they on a recruiting binge? Are they trying to market the organization to a younger demographic? It\’s impossible to tell; the letter didn\’t say anything about the reason for my eligibility, and it didn\’t ask me to confirm my age or employment status. It just said, \”Welcome to the club.\”
Maybe this \”temporary membership\” is really a coded invitation to join some secret society. Maybe there\’s a bunker somewhere deep beneath Washington, D.C. where all the fake-retired people meet to plot the future of the world.
If there is, I hope they serve dinner early; I don\’t like to eat too close to my bedtime, it loosens the bowels …
Anyway, even if the card proves to be of no practical use (except for providing blog-fodder), I\’m flattered to have received it. It\’s nice to know somebody wants you, even if they obviously have no idea who you are.
And it makes me look forward to receiving membership cards from other organizations I couldn\’t possibly join. The NAACP? The Catholic Church? Mothers Against Drunk Driving? The Royal Family? The Minnesota Indian Affairs Council?
NASA? NASCAR?!
The best thing would be to get into all of them at once. But I know that\’s not going to happen. Instead, I think I\’ll start my own organization: The Association of Temporary Members of Associations.
The first thing I need to do is find some members. Or, barring that, send out some random membership cards.