NPR thinks the Army\’s new uniforms are too frumpy. Well, actually, I don\’t know if they think so, but they gave the idea enough credence to interview a Washington Post fashion editor about it.

The new duds, which according to the report are the Army\’s first uniform change in more than 20 years, have a different camouflage color, one that\’s supposed to be more effective in a variety of fighting conditions.

\”But what about style?\” asks NPR\’s distinguished expert. \”Don\’t those Pentagon prima-donnas know the baggy camo look is so over!? I mean, duh, mid-90s rappers but that to bed a long time ago.\”

Now, I know what you\’re thinking: what place does a fashion editor have commenting about the Army\’s new uniforms? And what difference does it make if they\’re ugly or not? Aren\’t they meant to keep soldiers from getting killed?

Well, I\’m here to tell you it makes a big difference. And if you think bad fashion can\’t be deadly, you haven\’t been watching enough television.

The Army needs functional, versatile clothing, yes, but why should our boys (and girls) over there have to suffer the taunts of a better dressed enemy? Just look at those Al Qaeda guys, with their hip robes and scraggly beards. That\’s so hot.

If we don\’t see an emaciated, parasite-ridden underwear model wearing a diamond-studded Von Dutch turban on the cover of GQ by next year, I\’ll eat my hat.

NPR is right to question the Army\’s new standard-issue pants for being too \”Hammer-like\”. Why can\’t they have some nice, faded-wash jeans? And really, would a little bling-bling be too much to ask? If we keep sending guys to patrol the streets of Baghdad without even a scrap of hardware, how we gonna\’ get respec\’?

I know! Shiat.

Anyway, here\’s to NPR for never missing a chance to do journalism that really matters. You simply will not hear this programming anywhere else. But it doesn\’t come easy, and it isn\’t guaranteed. So pick up the phone and make a donation.

They accept all major credit cards, personal checks, and bags of designer clothes. Call now, your contribution could make all the difference…

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